Who am I? How do I fit in? A decades long question I have continued to ask myself, but this year, I think I know the answer.

Growing up, I was always confused about who I am. I know that my family is from Ecuador, but I am an American. What does this mean though? Do I identify as American, or as Ecuadorian? Am I too American (read: too “white”) for my Ecuadorian family, and Latine friends, but too Hispanic for my white friends. Where do I fit in?

All my life, I have felt too Hispanic for this country, but not Hispanic enough for my family or Latine friends. I remember in New York, people will call me blanquita in a derogatory way. Because of the way I dressed, the music I liked, and the way I spoke. I also didn’t fit in too much with the white kids because of my skin tone and that I was Hispanic. I still remember the first time I heard the word spic and wetback, and was called dirty…

I have tried for many years to assimilate into American culture, but the more I did that, the more I moved away from Ecuadorian roots. I constantly felt stuck in the in-between. My Spanish is pretty decent, and consider myself fluent, but it is not what it used to be. I quickly go from Spanish to Spanglish because words and grammar I used to know have now escaped me. With this, I lost another part of my identity and felt ashamed…that I wasn’t enough.

Whenever I have to fill out a Census, I get confused.

Each time, I fill it out as; Ethnicity: Hispanic/Latino, Race: Other or Prefer not to Say.

And with each time I have had to fill this out, I have been left more confused. Because sometimes, those forms aren’t consistent and they change the terminology year after year. ‘Am I Hispanic, or Latino?’ Other times, I have no options to fill out and am left as a large question mark.

Within the past year, I have taken back my identity. I have been proud to exclaim that I am a first-gen Ecuadorian-American. It’s okay if I forget some Spanish words here and there. That doesn’t erase who I am. I am still Latina enough. I am not ashamed.

I am bi-sexual. I like both men and women. No, I am not confused, and no, I don’t have to pick one or the other. I was confused when I was younger because I didn’t know what it meant and I thought I was experimenting. I was also scared to talk to anyone about it because I am afraid I would be shunned. It’s just not something we talked about.

I am also Chinese. This is something I have known all my life but it has always just been in the background. Not something really thought about or talked about publicly. My great grandfathers immigrated from China to Ecuador in the 1800’s and I can’t wait to learn more about that. It makes sense now why I have related so much to Asian culture over the past decades with my Chinese friends. It also makes more sense now that there are certain Chinese foods I have eaten that reminds me of home. I also no longer feel ashamed of the food I grew up with because I remember often I would be challenged on my Ecuadorian “card” because that dish isn’t South American. Now I know, it’s because that is a part of my identity. Growing up, I had both Ecuadorian and Chinese food.

So who am I?

I am Yesenia. A strong, proud bi-sexual Chinese-Ecuadorian-American. I am my father and mother’s daughter. I am a daughter of immigrants. I am a game developer. I am still learning about my diaspora. I am enough.

P.S: I hate the United States Census Bureau.