2020: A Year of Reflection
Wow has a lot happened this year…
It has been quite some time since I wrote something publicly. Unlike other posts I have written in the past, this entry will be more like a diary…where my thoughts just flow freely. I have also included some raw thoughts that I wrote in my phone as quotes in this article. I don’t even know where to start, but I am going to start somewhere.
It’s scary to share my inner thoughts, because each time I put myself out there, I am afraid of being judged or dismissed because I am “too much”. However, I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s actions. This is me unfiltered and vulnerable.
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As the year comes to a close, I can’t help but feel emotional. A lot of people accomplished great things this year, and personal projects they have always wanted to get to. For me, it was quite challenging. A lot of ups, and a A LOT of downs. I had so many goals that I wrote down for myself that I wanted to accomplish this year but just didn’t. I had just been converted to FTE in February and started getting back into my hobbies that I have put away for so long (for other reasons), and just like that, in a blink of an eye, the world changed overnight. It now became a goal of surviving.
I remember hanging out with my friend during my lunch break for her birthday and getting our ears pierced. To then coming back to the office with a company-wide e-mail stating that effectively immediately, we are to work from home for the next three weeks. Some people in the office were panicked. I remained calm for the most part, because this was just temporary. In a few weeks, we can all come back to the office and resume our lives as usual…
As the days went by, the cases got more severe. The nursing home just a few mins away from me became the epicenter of COVID-19 in the United States. The company-wide e-mails became more frequent, and the news started to get more grim. Our original date of coming back to the office kept getting pushed out further and further with each update. People started hoarding supplies, and the store shelves quickly became bare. The light at the end of the tunnel I thought I had was now gone, and all I can see is darkness.
The rate of information is high. Also, within less than two weeks, we have gone from “everyone should work from home if you can” and large events being cancelled to “effective tomorrow, bars and restaurants are shut down temporarily, and no gatherings of more than 50 people”.
My first 30 days in insolation was the hardest for me. I was completely alone. I didn’t have anyone to do activities with. I couldn’t see anyone in person. I couldn’t touch anyone. Everything was shut down. I remember the first time I cried. It was after talking to my dad in New York, because Queens became another hot spot. After hanging up, I cried so much. As if I have been holding it all in for so long and it needed to release. This was my release valve. Once I opened that valve, I cried every single day and all I wanted to do was make it stop. March was the longest year.
Today was difficult. I woke up feeling sad and not motivated for the work day. Maybe because it was cloudy and cold? Maybe it’s realizing that the situation continued to get worse and there is no end in sight. New York is a worse hot zone than WA; doubling every 3 days now in people getting infected. I miss my family. I wonder how it’s gonna be when I’m reunited with people again.
I remember the first time I went to the doctors office after self-isolating for over 30 days, and just crying. All it took was the front desk person to ask me how I have been doing. As he asked me this simple question he has done many times before, I sobbed uncontrollably. I didn’t realize how starved for human interaction I was until that moment. It was the first time I saw a familiar face in person talk to me, and it was a bit overwhelming. I then got a much needed massage (they were still open because they are a chiropractic office). As she worked her way down my arms into my hands, I quickly held her hand. I didn’t mean to, but it just happened. I apologized to her as I cried into the table and explained that I missed being touched.
As I get adjusted and my massage, tears roll down my face. This is the first time in over 3 weeks I have been touched. How much we take for granted, the act of physical touch. I can’t wait till I can do this again. I was so overwhelmed by the day, I didn’t want to leave. When I got home, I was fatigued. All I wanted to do was sleep…
60+ days into quarantine, and I feel like I am finally starting to get more accustomed with working-from-home. Then out of nowhere, I am knocked back down as another black life is lost to police brutality. Just as I have started to figure things out, the world hits us with another ugly truth; there are still racist people out there. I couldn’t help but be forced to think about my own experiences growing up (and a bit now) of all the times I have been discriminated against because of the color of my skin. Protests happen all over the world demanding justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor…and sadly…so many more names to even count. I am paralyzed. I thought we were better than this. But with this sadness comes strength and unity. As people keep fighting, I remain hopeful for a better tomorrow.
I could keep writing about all the things that happened this year, but honestly, it would be pages long. A history book can be written on 2020 alone.
Aside from all the crappy stuff that happened in this year, I think I did accomplish some things other than just surviving:
I got back into skating, which I haven’t done since I was a kid. I rekindled friendships that I have lost along the way (and I am sorry for that), and some I have had to say goodbye to. I made some new friends this year that I am so glad have come into my life. I learned how to make sourdough bread (yeah, I know, everyone else too). I have found my community with Latinx in Gaming and embracing my culture once again. Where I am no longer hiding my culture for the fear of being “too Hispanic”.
I made some big waves career-wise that I am also proud of. I was on Minecraft Live, did a panel at Unidos Online, got interviewed by Manual Save, became mentors to aspiring producers, helped start an ERG (Employee Resource Group) for people of color at work that I now co-lead with others, got nominated for The GameHERs awards for Stand out Team Leader of the Year, participated in a panel for Game Camp New Orleans and am now part of that team!
With so much time to think, I have been forced to process my past trauma. I couldn’t run away from my thoughts anymore, which had me asking myself a lot of hard questions such as; “who brings me joy and lifts me up?” and asking myself what truly makes me happy. It forced me to evaluate current and past relationships, even the one I have with myself. All of these questions and things I have had to process over the past nine months came with some harsh realities that I have been ignoring for awhile. I didn’t want to acknowledge it because once I do, it becomes truth. And the truth is not something I can ignore.
If you have read this far, thank you. It takes a lot for me to be this vulnerable. I write this piece not only for myself, but in hopes that maybe others who live alone during this pandemic read this and feel less alone. That you know I also understand what it feels like to struggles with our inner voices that depression brings, and that I am so sorry you’re going through this, but please remember you are loved. I am so thankful for my friends who accept ALL of me; not just the fun and out-going version of me.
So what does 2021 look like for Yesenia? Well, for the first time in awhile, I can now see a dim light at the end of this very long 2020 tunnel.
I survived this year, and still have fight in me. I am better than where I was earlier this year. I believe I have found the answers to some of the hard questions I have been avoiding for so long which has helped bring me some peace and closure, even if it has been difficult (the best decisions are always the hardest). Some questions, I am still figuring out. I am ready for a new chapter in my life and can’t wait to share it with you soon.
Keep Fighting,
XoXo